Learning to say NO might seem a selfish thing to do. BUT! By learning to say NO without feeling guilty, you will find time you never dreamed you had. You will quite literally claim back your life. This post is based on material from my friend Arthur Gobey.
Because NO is such powerful word, it can hurt or heal. Whenever you use the word "NO" you risk conflict. This is particularly true when dealing with people who do not habitually respect boundaries. It is worth, therefore, developing the skills required to use "NO". Having said that, it is sometimes (usually) better to say "NO" bluntly, without skill when you know it is required. There are countless online marketers who are trained to buttonhole you on a cell phone call, interrupting your meeting or your train of thought who will prey on your politeness until you shut them down.
When we are not used to saying "NO" we often think that saying "NO" will create implacable, eternal enemies. Consider some of the "NOs" you've weathered. Did you end up hating the person who said "No" to you? Were you crippled (apart from your ego)? No, you survived. So people do get over being told "NO" even when their entitlement demands strict compliance on your part. We all have the capacity to get over the rejection that comes with being told "NO" even by our very best friends.
The first sell is to yourself. Until you have convinced yourself that your time and energy are yours to manage, the following points will not be of much use. However when you are ready for this, here are some strategies you may wish to consider for saying "NO":
MONEY
"As a policy I don't lend money too friends"
"Sorry this is just not a good time for me"
"Sorry I'm self employed and my income fluctuates too much"
"Not to day I'm short of cash"
SALES
"No Thanks I'm not interested & attending a meeting will not change my mind"
"You seem very excited, I wish you luck, but it's not for me"
"I have turned down this offer before and have still not changed my mind"
"You are very persistent; I can see why you are a good sales person. But I've said no, please don't ask again"
FACE SAVING
Blame the kids / partner / dogs / baby sitter / mother in-law / Your job
HURTFUL JOKES / REMARKS
"I know you're an intelligent person, so I'm surprised you'd make a remark / tell a joke like that"
"That's not a fact, that's your opinion. And it's one I strongly disagree with"
"It's hard to believe that people still think like that in this day and age. I thought we were beyond the hurtful stereotypical attitudes"
DON`T ASK ME AGAIN EITHER
"Unless it's an emergency, I have to say NO, I'm not very good with animals / kids"
"I know how much you love your cat, and I don't think I'm up to that responsibility"
PASS THE BUCK
"Maybe you could ask Rachel around the corner"
ASK ME AGAIN BUT NOT NOW
"Sorry, no not this time"
"I can't help you this week but check with me next week"
NOT LENDING OUT THE CAR
"Sorry I'm just not comfortable lending my car to anyone"
"I know you're a good driver, but I worry too much, and I if something goes wrong I will feel terrible / angry and I don't want to do that"
NOT LENDING OUT BOOKS / CD`s / TOOLS / CLOTHES
"I have a policy about never lending out my books / CD`s"
"I'm much to attached to my books / CD`s to let them out of my sight"
"I have had a few bad experiences lending out (X). And I'm not prepared to risk our friendship over (X)"
NOT PLAYING TAXI
"I'm happy to drive you there, but I can't wait for you, you will have to catch a taxi back"
"I can take you as far as Cavendish, but then I have to veer off to Fish Hoek"
"It really wouldn't be convenient today. I've got a million stops to make and I don't know what time I'll be back"
At StrategyWorks we assist leaders and their teams, with those crucial conversations for clarity, decisions, action and outcomes. These conversations can be frustrating when people are not heard, the team cannot make decisions or the way forward remains vague. Leaders contact us at StrategyWorks when they are ready to do something different. In the process those involved in the conversations feel understood and challenged. At the end of the intervention, the leaders and their teams feel focused and released around a clear plan of action.
Come and visit us on our website at: http://www.strategyworks.co.za/.
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